This is a bit of a depressing kind of vent for me so don't mind me as i write.

Today I had a bit of a revelation...It's the best way I can say it though despite having to feel so overwhelmed and guilty afterwards. Today I went to a friend's 21st birthday. I've known her for since I met her in high school through a whole group of friends but I had long since have seen those friends due to lack of contact. However the past semester I've been hanging out with the birthday girl and three new friend I met in college. Since then we've have a good connection with each other. So then she invited me to her 21st birthday and told me all of my old friends and her's were coming to it and there was going to be a sleep over as well. "Sure why not? It sounds a lot like fun!" was what I thought. I never drink, taste but never drink, but I loved taking pictures and movies of people getting drunk off their asses. However when I arrive I then felt a sudden awkwardness filling me up. I wasn't quite sure what to say. I hugged them and said hello but I couldn't bring myself to speak. I'd try to bring up a conversation but then nothing comes out and my voice ens up quieter. I felt like trying to sticking with the birthday girl but I felt that it'd be too weird... I try to talk with old friends again but I felt alienated and I couldn't really think of a response to any conversation. It was when I saw the three friends I've been hanging around where I felt saved and I ended hanging out with them more feeling more at ease. Eventually I sat down thinking why I was feeling this way, looking around at everyone as they drank yelled and played games. It definitely wasn't because they were slowly getting intoxicated and drunk off their asses but there was still something odd in my chest just looking at them...it soon hit me, after making small talk with Shioji over my MSN app on my phone. I started to realize that my friends had changed since I've seen them. Since the days I've hung around them in Highschool, they had changed over the long span of time since I've saw them. it made sense to me considering, barely of those friend, ever once called me or once wanted to talk to me, hang out or try to interact with me. I admittedly tried to call and get them to talk or hang out with me every once in a while but only ends up never happening due to another agenda. It made me sad at that though, despite how simple it seemed and almost obvious considering the situations. Of course my friends would have changed over time, heck I most likely had changed too...I guess I was just mentally prepared to take it all in at once.

I ended bringing the birthday girl away to talk to and let her know I was leaving because I felt very uncomfortable staying, especially the entire night. Luckily she understood and didn't want to force me to stay if it meant making me feel so uncomfortable. It made me feel guilty to leave , especially for her, but to others who, probably wanted me to stay and sleep over, and to my self for not being flexible or con formative to the situation and not end of getting scared and running out from just being slightly overwhelmed. I wanted to hang out and sleep with my drunken friend for photos and movies but I guess my emotions and lack of common knowledge is what foiled me. At the least, despite going through that unexpected turn of events., I have fun and I was glad to see old friends.


Well i'm home now and I'll just go and sleep now. Night y'all